Hey there
Folks, it’s the Constable tasked with the invigorating task of keeping Mr.
Ripper on his toes.
In a most
interesting letter, dubiously filled with scattered bits of slashed cardboard
and smashed meeples, is a piece of stationary that is yet again addressed to my
office which reads only one word; Warband. Most certainly there is another foul
case of Lusiocide which must be investigated.
In an effort
to get into the mind of the Killer once more, let’s go over the evidence.
Warband is a
“tactical” boardgame for two to five players where you each compete with each
other to lead the strongest resistance against the Darkness (I suppose someone
let their five-year-old take part in the plot design) which threatens the world
at large. The game is set in a world where multiple races are indeed joining
together but none are human and each must assist each the others in fighting
off a dark nameless enemy or face extinction, but each wants to come out on top
in the end.
Well
now, what on God’s Green Earth could be wrong with this setup? This seems like
a jolly great concept which could easily make into The Ripper’s stash of games
we have yet to uncover. Grand battles, Armageddon, and outsmarting your enemy;
let’s see what kind of grand map we are going to be doing all this tactics and
battle tomfoolery in shall we?
*Turns to
Nearest Fellow Investigator* I say, old boy, it appears some bloke has run off
with our map and left us only the point tracking board. Dastardly deeds abound;
what is this world coming to?
*Whispers in Constable’s Ear* You mean to tell me that THIS is our grand map
for which we are holding a campaign of epic proportions to protect our species?
Oh dear, it appears we may have a motive for our Murder already. Now now,
fellows, lets’ give this little thing a crack at it. Great things come in small
packages, you know.
To skip all the painful complaining, dear reader, I’ll gloss over the fine
details and give you the glaring discrepancies.
Our rating
system in the station works as such, we take the most important details we see
fit, rate them on importance of 1-3, and we see what our score is.
-10 Bloody
worthless piece of shite game which will send me honking at the slightest
reference. Games of this ridiculous horridness have yet to be experienced, but
should we ever I might start murdering games myself.
-5 Deserves every bit
of torture it got and more! Close the case, boys.
-1 to -3 A generally
bad game, but could just not be my Cup-of-Tea. Easy to see why a maniac like
the Ripper could find justification in forcing this game to pay its debt to
nature.
0 Sods all
chances of remembering this one ever again. Shred the report, boys.
+1 to +3 Good game,
nothing to see here, Blokes, move along; yet another lamb to the slaughter.
+5 A perfectly good,
law abiding game with a wife and three kids. You Monster! Or worse, probably
kidnapped by The Ripper Himself should he fancy it.
+10
Great blinding mutt’s nuts this game was Stonking ACE; might
worship it if I could. God only knows what The Ripper has in store!
VICTIMS
The game features a
money system, which as my fellows know is a free point or two on my scale of
Bully to Bollocks. The money, though not featuring a heavy influence over the
concept or theme, is important to the game and scoring system so it is a victim
in this case, I suppose. +1
The theme is most excellent. +1
I’m not sure
we’re off to a great start, Warband.
The theme, though most
excellent, is not backed up at all by the actual gameplay and feels as though
we are missing pieces to a much larger game. -1
The Game, on the back
and in description, really seems promises tactical combat and the working of
armies feuding for “oneupsmanship.” There is no such aspect to the game I see.
We pushed cubes around for 30 minutes while comparing scores with each other to
collect cards. Nothing feels warlike at all. -2
CASE
IMPORTANCE: -1
It was
the unfortunate case that a game with much potential was cut down in its prime.
This game’s lofty promises which were never delivered must have sent The Ripper
into a fury which links this murder to the nearly endless list of lackluster
games which the Ripper has had the morbid pleasure of dismembering. CASE CLOSED
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